"She got her tit caught in the ringer!!"

So my mom's uncle (hence my great uncle) -- well his name is Uncle Bill. But he prefers to be called CHAMP. So we do. Because why the hell not. He's a hard man to describe. But I'll do my best. He grew up in the south (though I'm not exactly sure where in the south) but even to this day he still has this kickin southern accent. It's classic. He was in the 'service' for a while. But his job was being a maitenance man at the high school where my mom and all of her sisters went. Now - there is ntohing wrong with being a maitenance man - because he did a great job and people need them. But - I'm just givng you the background that hes more a jeans and flannel shirt guy than a suit and tie. (He once told us a story about some kid at the high school who went into the bathroom to try and set off a little stink bomb or something. Apparently the kid actually sat down on the toilet though like he was taking a shit... and here's how champ told the story. "Well the dumb kid goes into the hopper and sits down and tries to set of some explosives... well the idiot nearly blew his dinger right off! We had to get him out of the hopper on a stretcher and there was his dinger all just floppin around!" (yes he calls the bathroom the hopper and the kids dick his DINGER! man it was too funny)

So yesterday we were at my aunts house making St. Josephs day cakes (just pretend you know what that means, because I don't feel like getting into it right now haha). And Uncle Champ and Aunt Rosie (his wife - who he calls Bae because he used to always call her baby.. how cute is that??) Now Champ is know for being a bit crass and sometimes crosses the line. Like when I was younger he used to take us out on his boat at the family reunion. All the grandkids would go out. And every year ... he used to pee off the side of the boat. And he'd get his little grandson to pee off the boat too. Now one year - in 1993... champ didnt pee off the boat. And I can still remember my cousin Annie and I getting off the boat because we were 'pee free in '93' It was all so exciting! hahaha.

So that's Champ. I do wish I could just put these next two stories up as a sound byte because its really not nearly as funny unless you can hear this stuff in Champs accent - but I'll do my best.

So we're sitting at dinner last night and my dad was talking about the girl that works at his store. She's in high school and just works the register on weekends. And apparently yesterday she had really short shorts on and one of the other guys my dad works with had a talk with her about how they were too short. So then Uncle Champs asks 'well did she have a bra on?' and my dad just starting laughing and was like uhh I'm not sure Champ but there didnt seem to be any problems on the upper half. And then Champ starts telling a story about HIS aunt who once was doing laundry without a bra on. Apparently back in those days to ring out the laundry you put the clothes through a ringer - which was sort of like a pasta machine... or like a paper shredder (just didnt shred... just story of squished all the water out).

So Champ starts "Well yeah she had herself some big tits, and she was doin da laundry and put here tit right through da ringer! Now my sister and I never belived the story, but den one time we were at our Aunt's house and my sister saw her tit and said to me, BILL - ITS TRUE! She did get her tit caught in da ringer!!" So... I'm laughing hysterically at how he keeps sayin tit right there at the dinner table. Beacuse apparently I'm not all that mature.

So then he starts saying another story abot how "One time I was on that island with all the Japs..." and I nearly spit my water out - beacuse who the hell says that kind of stuff these days? I know he's old and all... but come on Champ! We don't say thing like JAPS! So I said something like 'you mean japanese?' and he goes 'yeah! with all the japs' so I figured there wasn't all that much hope for correcting him and gave up.

So now we've moved onto dessert. And my aunt and uncle whos house we were at have a little ratty lookin dog. Her name is Maggie. And maggie apparently has taken a liking to one of her stuffed animal toys... and was humping the animal on the couch RIGHT next to champ. So of course he's havin a day with this and thinks its all so hysterical. So my uncle says to Aunt Rosis (Champs wife) - "Aunt rosie you better be careful when you get home - champ's gettin some ideas from maggie over here!" And Aunt Rosie (though she's old can still handle the men) says "Alright honey, when we get home you show me everything you learned over there" And then champ just says "Ha ha the next time I get it up I'm tapin it right to a tongue depressor!"

When I tell you I almost peed my pants I'm not kidding. This man just comes out with stuff that NO ONE else would be able to get away with... but somehow he does. And man does it crack me up....

So that was pretty much my day yesterday. I was the only one of my generation there, so I didn't have any back up when the aunts would get crazy. But Champ made the whole day worth it!

And that's my family....